Recognizing Verbal Abuse

By: Ligia Orellana MA, LMFT

When the topic of abusive relationships comes up in conversation, one automatically assumes physical abuse. Although, there is one type of abuse that can be a lot more subtle. Verbal abuse which can be a frequently normalized type of communication based of one’s experiences in childhood, is one an individual witnesses from their parents; either between parents or parent to child. This type of communication style can suddenly creep into one’s romantic relationship without sometimes much of a warning. Some of us are able to recognize the familiar overt types of verbal abuse such as name calling. While other forms are more covert and seen as manipulative actions where an individual can feel like they are questioning their reality. So it begs the question, what are the these covert types of verbal abuse and what do they look like? By being able to recognize the signs, one can put a label onto what their experience is and moving away from feeling ‘crazy.’

It can look like the following;

• When an issue is brought up, your partner acts angry or reacts as if they have no idea what you are talking about

• Your feelings are identified by partner as ‘too much’ or ‘dramatic’

• Expression of feelings can also be labeled as you trying to start an argument, opposed to trying to communicate and solve the issue at hand

• Partner reacts angrily or irritated towards you several times in ways that do not align with your behaviors

• Feeling frustrated with partner as a result of their continuous decreased understanding of your point of view on issues/topics (Evans, 2010)

These covert attacks can feel jarring and surprising in romantic relationships because perpetuators do not begin engaging in verbal abuse in the beginning of the relationship. It happens as the relationship continues and gradually. For this reason, at times it is hard to grasp the abuse happening. Aside from knowing a couple of examples of what it could look like. It is beneficial also to focus how you feel in this type of relationship. Are you asking yourself, “what is wrong with me?” Are you feeling disconnected? Are you feeling an increase in anxiety when you think about your partner coming home? or even asking for clarification when you both communicate? By being able to note your internal experience it can bring clarification as to what is happening and being able to recognize verbal abuse.