Understanding the Tantrum

Understanding the Tantrum

By: Cynthia Martinez, LMFT

We’ve all seen it, the four-year-old having a tantrum at the store and the parent raising their voice, making threats, rolling their eyes, or name calling their child. “He/she knows better and is just a spoiled brat.” I’ve heard phrases like this time and time again by parents. The idea that a child should be able to control their negative emotions and not act out on them.

However, research about the brain says otherwise. In simple terms, there are two basic parts of the brain, the upper brain and the lower brain. The lower part of the brain is the more primitive part of the brain that is responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze response or “just reacts” without thinking things through. While the upper part of the brain is responsible for controlling impulses, planning, and decision making.

Children’s upper part of the brain is underdeveloped and does not reach full development until mid-20s. When a child is having a tantrum the lower part of their brain is firing. When a parent reacts with negativity such as in the example above, the lower part of the brain views this as an attack and is further activated. In other words, it just makes the situation worse.

So what can a parent do to help trigger the upper part of the brain that’s needed to help calm the child? Remain calm, provide unconditional positive regard, and give validation. Research has shown that the upper part of the brain fires simply by labeling an emotion. So instead of saying, “You’re such a brat, get it together!” a better response is, “It looks like you’re mad and disappointed, you really wanted that toy.” Followed by helping the child calm down with the use of redirection or relaxation skills.

Activating a child’s upper brain, not only makes the current situation likely better, but helps increase the child’s emotional regulation. This is a vital skill that helps children better handle difficult emotions later on in life and in adulthood.

Written By: Cynthia Martinez, M.S., LMFT